ugh!

Ever since I knew that I really should go back to work I have wanted to work at school. I worked a little while in the preschool last year, but I really wanted more time. Now that I am working at Jack's school I am wondering what I was thinking.
I know that i can do this. But sometimes I wonder how I am supposed to get anything done when I feel like I am being undermined every time I turn around. Oy! How am I supposed to establish my set of rules and expectations if someone else keeps changing them? I literally had to choke back the tears this morning after 3 different lunches! It was all I could do not to quit after my 3 permanent day. Not a good way to start....
After lunch I go work with a little boy who is learning to read. As he was reading Dr. Seuss I just watched him and was so thankful (in my head) that I got the opportunity to sit with him and actually make some kind of difference. He is working so hard and it is so good to watch him improve everyday. This is what I want to do when I grow up. This is what I want to be. This is my goal. It may take me a while to get more than just 1/2 each day, but I will get there.
In the meantime my girlfriend helped me with a bit of (Christmas) retail therapy. Then my other girlfriend sent me a random, out-of-the-blue goody package. It was silly. It nearly made me cry with happiness. My kids and my husband decorated both of our Christmas trees while I watched from the couch with my foot up.
We are watching Mickey's Christmas and I am ok for now. I am grateful for so many other things and I will keep reminding myself of that everytime I think that I just can't do this job anymore.

Butterfly bandages

so, I have to start this from the beginning. It is kind of a pain to just "run" into the store. I have to get my crutches out from the passenger seat, crutch around to the back, open the hatch, get out my roller cart & head into the store. I decided to just use the electric carts that they have at Target. Not my best idea. Jeff's 97 year old grandpa can walk faster than these carts. It took nearly a full minute to "drive" to the back of the store! Then I was looking for butterfly bandages. (side note: Jeff cut the back of his hand open & we didn't have any. so we borrowed some from the neighbor. we used all of theirs and I wanted to replace theirs & add some to our stock....which is why I was on a mission. ) When I checked out the lady asked if I found everything...(lady being a relative term, because I don't think she could serve beer, or even get into a bar, but I digress.) I told her that they didn't carry butterfly bandages. She says, "well, we have princess ones, will those work?" HUH?!? oh. no. not those kinds of butterflies!
Slow cart and all she totally made my day.

The next day I headed to Rite Aid. They've got to have them right? Well, I was not going through the effort of getting out my scooter. I am not going to sit through another slow cart. I will just use my crutches. Got help. Found the bandages. Yeah! hooray! huh....how to carry them? When one has a broken leg, one also has no hands to use. They are being used to carry me. Oy vay! (The lady that was helping me was standing there so I just told her I was putting them in my pocket to get to the front counter. She just smiled and said, "of course".)

could you imagine how different this tale would have been if they had thought I was shoplifting instead? not good. Not good at all.

wow! another broken leg

So it's been 16 years and now I have another broken leg. I didn't have to have surgery which is a good thing, but.... It's alot different 40 vs 24.

40? 24?
3 kids 0 kids
tri-level house stayed at my parents or my apartment: no stairs
husband boyfriend (who has become my husband)
work at school desk job with a computer
laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc who cared if my apartment was messy?
40 year old bones 24 year old healthy bones

Thank God I have so many wonderful people in my life. Mom just finished all our laundry & Gram Vicky made us dinner last night.

Six weeks could be a long time.
Chell
ps of course it had to happen the day before the seasons first storm!

too long

So it's been entirely too long. I am finding that there are days that I don't have check my email. Not really a good thing, just can't muster up the care to move over to my computer. This working thing? huh. no really sure about it.

The last 2 weeks I have been EXHAUSTED. Week before last the boys had half days. But I still have to go back and doing crossing guard, and the PTA put on a book fair. Since I am pta president I was there nearly every day until 4, leaving the three boys at home. Something that I hate to do for more than a day. Let alone 5 days.

This week? Normal days, but I was the substitute in the cafeteria. No problem, right? uhhhhh, no. not in the slightest. It is amazing how many people do not enforce manners in their houses. I can tell you what kids had for lunch when they talk. They don't grab napkins, they spill chocolate milk and it goes for 5 feet! (Don't even know how that works!) They talk, and they talk loudly. THey gave me a microphone. It helps cuz otherwise I sound like the wicked witch of the west trying to talk over them.

It was very nice getting my first paycheck last week. I haven't had a real, more than just spending money paycheck in 13 years. I could get used to this. Just means that I have to get used to a few other changes in my life too. We'll see how that goes.

weird thing. so last year our (then) principal decided that there was not enough money in the budget for the 5th graders to go to overnight camp. They went for the day, coming back at 9 pm and still had a great time, but it just wasn't the same.

In comes new principal...who says sure, no problem. Konley missed out on overnight last year. In comes 5th grade teacher.....so, Mrs Roberts can you come and chaperone camp for us this year? I know that you don't have a 5th grader but.....I need some help. ..... Kinda funny. Konley didn't make it to overnight camp, but I can. Hmmmm.

I am going to go up just for the day. Leave after the male teachers show up for camp fire to stay the night. Does seem funny tho.

I wondered what to do with my days

When school started I wondered what I would do with my days. Apparently it is to spend them at school. I am lucky enough to have 2 hours a day paid. Now it seems as though I am always there. laundry? yeah right. dishes? yeah, my mom did them for me last night (for which I am extremely grateful). Today was picture day, tomorrow is hearing tests, Thursday is my volunteer day and Friday is the walk-a-thon. I am still waiting for the days of "what do I do now?" Besides mom just taught me to start quilting....just what i need another hobby...Boy! Am I excited! Can't wait to put this first one altogether.

School

I didn't get the secretary job. You know what? That's ok. I think it would be difficult to go from at home to all day at work. Just want to ease into this. That said. I am the new school crossing guard. It's just a step in the door. I really want to be able to work at school and this is the way to start.

I drop off Jack in the morning with a friend and high-tail it over to school. Then I walk down the block and wait. There is one adorable little kindergartener who chats with me every morning. If her mom ever wants to give her up I would take her in a heartbeat.

I love seeing the kids every morning. I love the days that Jacks walks down the street and hangs out with me telling me about his day. Then we ride home together. I love that I can still be home when Keegan & Konley walk in the door and get them all homework-situated before my afternoon duty. I love that Ms. Barron walked in the other day and said, "hey, can you stay and do recess duty?". I was at school, hanging out with the kids, and got paid. I have been volunteering for 8 years, and I am so ready to still be there, still helping, and getting paid for it!

It's all about baby-steps. There is rumors of someone leaving and that I could apply for her spot. Just biding my time. Taking them baby-steps. Waiting for it to be my turn.

this day

This day has completely snuck up on me. My baby? My littlest? My one who has never let go of my heart? He went off to 1st grade today. All day. The first day of the next 12+ years of school. I have had a"baby" at home for the last 13 years. Jack was born just weeks before Konley started kindergarten. I didn't have time to lament the boys being gone for the day, I had one more at home.

Now I don't. Now I have 3 in school all day. It conjures heart ache.

I know he will love it. I know I will find things to do with myself during the day. (Goodwill and trips to the dump rank high on the list.) I know I will get over it. But, boy oh boy!

He's not really gone cuz I volunteer at his school all of the time, but it's just not the same. I miss my little boy.

School starts

how strange this year is beginning.

It is raining and it is August.

You can already feel fall in the air, but it feels like summer never actually started.

I feel as if I spent the whole summer planning and throwing birthday parties. It is getting a bit much. Overwhelming really.

so school starts next week. I have 2 in middle school and now Jack is all day. I truly figured that I would have some kind of job to fill those 5 days a week, 6 hours a day. I don't. And the days are looming.

I know that i will volunteer. I know that i will find things to fill my days. But today? it feels overwhelming. That's alot of time to kill/fill. Thirteen years ago I quit my job and became a stay-at-home-mom. (Well it took another 20 days to actually be the mom, but you know what i mean.) A whole new phase is starting and I don't really know how I feel about it.

I know that i will figure it out. I know that I will fill my days. But today? Today I will just wonder and hope and pray that I will know what to do with my days come next Wednesday. I think I will start with getting Jack to his brand new classroom and then heading out for first day of school breakfast as has been the custom for 8 years. After that? who knows?

nervous

A long time ago Jeff told me he wanted me to get a job when Jack was in school full-time. AAACK! REally? Haven't had a job in 13 years. Now? I really want this one. It would be perfect. It's 6 hours a day. I could still volunteer in Jack's class at the end of the day. I could be home just after the boys get home. I wouldn't have to find daycare. I could still watch Megan in the morning so that Karen can work.

I turned in my application. I let our principal know that I was applying. I have recs from some great people in our school. Now I just have to wait. Jeff says not to get myhopes up. Rationally... I know that. But when does life react rationally?

Our school attendance secretary has decided to retire. A part of me REALLY wants her job. It would fit me perfectly! We could really use the extra money. It wouldn't affect any of Jack's time out of school.
Part of me?.....is scared to death!

Finishing the application tomorrow...will keep you posted!

today

Today I don't really feel like being me. I look around at the mess that is my house and wonder why the cleaning fairy didn't show up this week. (Maybe I just don't pay her enough.) I have yet another birthday party to throw this weekend. Don't get me wrong. I love my boys but I get rather tired of spending all summer planning, buying, organizing and cleaning for nearly 6 parties. Cuz each has a kid and each has a family party. This year we combined Keegan and Jack's family parties, but still.

Just don't feel like being me today. Maybe I will feel better about me tomorrow.

i know that school hasn't started yet, but apparently, pta doesn't really sleep. i have started asking questions like: why don't you want to be a part of pta? what about it turns you off? what do you like? yadda yadda. I am totally nervous about this!
I feel like I am floating in unchartered waters. There is a reason that I say no to these things. What if I screw up? What if I totally bomb and everyone thinks i have made a total mess out of the year? What if no one helps and i end up doing it all by myself? These are the questions of a partial control freak. look at the 5th grade moving up. Most of the prep work I did all by myself. People wouldn't step up. They just look the other way. What if I just don't know what I am doing?
New principal. New vice-principal. New part-time job for me. New president. New pta board. That's alot of "new". That's alot of unknown. I feel like there is this large black hole where the upcoming year is. How do I fill a black hole?
I have this small pit in the bottom of my stomach. I actually really wanted this after i thought about it. i wanted to prove that I could......but what if I can't?

Summer

As much fun as summer is, I find it crazy and chaotic. I like order. I like things to make sense. Chaos throws me for a loop. You would think that having 3 boys would prepare me for that. Not really. I keep a tight rein on things. I am kind of a control-freak with their schedules and their lives. Summer changes that.

Takes me a while to figure it out. I barely check my email. I actually vaccuumed the whole house. We have extra friends spend the night. I plan 3 kid birthdays and shop galore!

I lov esummer, but man does it throw off my equilibrium. But I am learning to deal...

Having one of "those" kind of days! UGH!

One of those days that truly would have been better if I had just stayed in bed.

I had to get some necessary, but irritating errands done. Better to get them all done in one day, right? Not so much.

Keegan club ordered brand new socks this year. Mind you we have both red, white and black. The blacks stayed the same, but soccer socks aren't cheap. He wore them one weekend and the tops of the red ones are ripped. They are not good quality socks. The white ones already have a pull in the elastic. His sweat pants from last year? They ripped out in the bum. He had only

had them for 2 weeks. We deal with the Soccer West out in Woodinville and I just hadn't made it out there to change out his sweats. But now that we had 3 things I decided that today was the day. Drove out to Woodinville. Not exactly in my neighborhood. Drove into the parking lot...

THEY WERE CLOSED. GONE. SIGN TAKEN DOWN!

Not my day.

Jack was hungry. Asking to stop at every restaurant along the way. Frustrated we went to Ruby's Diner. They promised to order off the kids' menu. They did. Keegan got a toasted cheese....when he ordered a BBQ chicken breast. Not the same. Our waitress was terrible. Not good customer service from this teenager. She refilled my Coke when i still had half left, and never even asked the boys if they were out or full. I had to ask.

Not my day.

So we went to Fred Meyer. The boys needed to replace a video game that wasn't working. Konley had a gift card, he thought was worth $20. Nope, only $10. Do I make them learn a lesson or just cover it til we get home? I covered it, cuz I just didn't want to go back. We make it to the counter. I get out my debit card..........it is still at Ruby's. In Woodinville. We are in Lynnwood.

NOT my day!

There are banks in every F.M. Thank goodness this one had a US Bank. Went in. Cancelled my card. Ordered a new one. New one? Not in till next week sometime. OY!

Better just be this one day. Tomorrow I am sleeping til noon just to make sure!

Toy Story 3

I took Jack to see Toy Story 3 the other day and he cried! Cried through so much of it! He is my sensitive one. He cried at the end of Where the Wild Things Are when Max had to leave and the wild things were upset. I know that we had Bambi and Cinderella and Snow White when we were little but I just don't quite remember them being so dark. Maybe they were. Maybe we just didn't really see them in the movie theaters. Maybe they were made for tv. Maybe I am just overprotective when it comes to my little boy. Next time I will look into things a bit more, even when it's Disney and I think that it should be easy and safe.

The sun is shining!

My boys are getting along!

(Of course, Keegan is away at soccer camp with dad and his soccer team.)

I have nothing on my agenda for days.

Except to scrap.

I miss scrapping.

More than anything I miss the friendship that it brings.

I have a scrap room.

I rarely use it.

It is seriously in need of a days worth of cleaning and discarding.

I really only like to scrap with friends.

I have great scrapping friends.

Wednesday is the summer scrapping day and i am hoping to catch up on all of my books and all of my friends.

Starting tomorrow.

I am good at some things...

I had a list of things that I am not so good at. But I am done with that. There are also things that I am good at. Like yesterday. Yesterday my son had his 5th grade moving up ceremony. The teachers asked if I would be in charge of it. Knowing my propensity to not saying no, of course, I said, "yes, sure, I would love to!" Well, maybe love is a bit strong of a word. Or, maybe not.

The night before I lost it. Yelled at Keegan. (Though to be honest he had been pushing my buttons all day, as only 12.5 year olds can do.) I fell down on the bed in tears. What if I totally screwed it up?

See...I had asked for help. If you read the list of things that I don't do that ranks right up there. The problem is that the woman in charge of getting help had some other family things on her plate and dropped the ball. Oy! There is a reason that I don't ask for help. Sometimes it's just easier to do it myself, ya know?

So anyways. By the time we got done yesterday it was gorgeous! So many different people stopped by to comment. I look back at the near disasters and the few times that I wanted to strangle one of the moms who took my idea and wanted to change it to her way! (Not that she bothered to come to any planning meetings or even ask my input before she changed it! Tho i have to admit I went back behind her and fixed everything that she changed!) Some of the cupcakes tipped over in a moms car. We found a few of the programs that somehow printed the inside upside down. But all was good. In the end it looked great! I even overheard one of the moms say that if you needed a party planned or decorated for just call me up.

So I am good at some things. And I do know that . For now I will just revel in no longer having to cut out and decorate 85 shooting stars. School is nearly done. I just have 5th grade pool party, a soccer tournament, field day, volunteer luncheon and the end of the year assembly! Here we go...

things I just am not good at

So I was doing the (dreaded) dishes the other night and realized that there are some things that I am just not good at. So I started to think:

Dishes: don't get me wrong, I am good at washing them, they come out clean, I am terrible at getting them started. If I don't fill the sink while cooking they can wait a few days.

Being on time. Really? I always have the best of intentions. I am never really late. Like those people that make you wait an extra half hour...mine is always just 2-5 minutes depending on where I am going, but it drives me crazy!

Cleaning. Pretty much hate it! Showers? Ugh! Toilets? Come on now! There are 4 boys in my house! Who would be good at it?

Asking for help. I normally wouldn't admit this about myself, but being that it's a big pet peeve of my husband, I thought that I would mention it.

Saying "I'm sorry". Ok. I really have to clarify this one. There are times when i say, "I'm sorry" that aren't really necessary. But there are times when I should say, "I'm sorry" and I just get my back up and get angry instead. How can it be my fault? But this is when I should say it the most and I don't.

Don't get me wrong. I am good at many things too. Sometimes I just have to admit that there are traits that I lack. Maybe it will motivate me to get up on my horse and fix these things that I don't really like.

The end of the year brings so many different things. Dread for summer....what will these boys do together all summer without killing each other? Hope for summer... will it please pretty please be warm? But right now it's just a bit of anxiousness. (makin' up words too)

So my middle will be moving on to middle school. My baby will finish kindergarten and be gone all day next year. My oldest will be a teenager. I am trying to put together the program for the 5th grade moving up ceremony. It's going slowly. I am currently supposed to be cuttting out 85 stars and their shooting tails. THe tails are done, the stars not so much. But if I finish them it will actually happen.

I am not really ready for this next independent stage. I know that they grow up and I am ok with that. There are just some stages that hit you more than others. This year is big for everyone. I turned 40. My sister is moving to CO tomorrow to live with her boyfriend and finish school. Konley will be 11 and moves to middle school. Keegan will be a teenager at the top of middle school. And Jack will be 6 and moving on to all day school, where I will have to make his lunch every morning and not see him again until he gets off the bus at nearly 4 o'clock. My mom has a big bday (she doesn't want it to happen so I won't post the number). We have our 15th anniversary.

It's a big year. Just getting over a lot of humps. God only gives us as much as we can handle. I know this and I can handle it. There just might be a hiccup or tear or two along the way!

again?!?

What happens to your body when you trun 40? Really?!?! Sick? Again? OY! I was sick in February or so. Turn 40? Get it again. I go to Ca and try to sit on the beach....but it was cold. So we went to Grandma & Grandpa's and sat by the pool. 98 degrees and sunny. Don't you think that it would soak this crud right out of me? I did.

We came home. life went back to normal. I still have a stinkin' cough/cold. Jeff went away with friends this last weekend and my life went from crummy to down right scary. Middle of the night headache? What the heck? After the second night of laying on the bathroom floor (after praying to the porcelain god) wondering if i should call 911 cuz my head is going to split out my skull, mom took me to the doctor. Turns out my headache? not normal. Migraine. For 2 days. This warrants shots. One for the migraine, one for the nausea. The nurse comes in and tells me that these are going to hurt. Large needles, painful medicine. She is rather surprised that the pain in my head completely overcomes the pain of the shots or the medicine. Guess I had it bad.

But now I am back. I can lean over without splitting pain. If I sneeze or cough it doesn't make me cry in pain. I can't stand antibiotics, but believe you me I will be finishing them to make sure that every stinkin' little germ is killed and totally eliminated from my head!

turning 40

So....anyone want to tell me how fair it is to plan and pay for a vacation to sunny Southern Ca and to get there and the weather is crappy? REally? How exactly does that work? And to top it all off? Yea...the weather here was great! Keegan has a great tan after this weekend? OY!

We headed down to Ca for my 40th bday. I have issues with birthdays that end in 0. I have kinda been a mess for the last few months. I know that I am not old, but........40 kinda sounds old. So i wanted to be go to Ca and sit on the beach, drinking whatever, reading a book and being in charge of nothing. Nope! Was not to be! The weather never hit over 70. which would have been ok if it had just been sunny, but nope! It was cold and cloudy and windy. Ugh!

I changed my tactic when it came to Mother's Day. I have always wanted it to be just about me. All about me. I am not in charge. Go ask your dad. Why can't you just do this for me? This year? I did for everyone else. There was no breakfast in bed, we had to sit through soccer tryouts, i did the dishes at grandma's. But you know what? It was great! I changed my attitude and it all became about me. About me choosing to be happy instead of crabby. So i thought that I would apply the same attitude towards my bday. Don't get me wrong. it was still my day. I still requested crab for dinner (HUGE KING CRAB legs for dinner! YUM!). We wandered the beach. We had a couples massage in the morning. We spent the day with my sister, Megan and our friend Jen. We went for a drive along the coast. There were no presents. (Jeff gave me an IPod touch before we left as he was afraid of going thru security with it, or it being stolen out of our suitcase.) There was no fanfare. I always expect too much, so having a day where I was expecting nothing, gave me so much more.

I am trying that. I am trying to expect nothing from anyone else but to expect more from myself. Isn't it better to make someone else smile than to expect them to make me smile?

Some things take longer for me than others. I feel like I have to watch what I say. But I am kind of tired of that. Not that I have anything profound. How can you be profound when you can't even fold your socks from last weeks laundry? (I did find out my 12 year old has been rotating 2 pairs of socks cuz he couldn't find any clean ones! Not that he asked me where they might be....which was clean in the basket in my room.)

We are leaving in 2 days. I am turning 40 in 3. It's been a rough couple of months. Turning 40 has truly put me in a bad funk. Unfortunately for Jeff, that bad funk only shows up at home. It is SOOOO hard to always put on that happy face for everyone at pre-school, and school, and baseball and soccer, but.....

So we are leaving. With no plans. We have a hotel. We have a ride to get there. we are on the beach. That's as far as we have gotten. This will not be one of those GO! GO! GO! kind of trips. We do that in our everyday lives so much more than I would like. This will be....how many different books can I finish in a weekend? Will there be enough hammocks for all of us? Anybody hungry yet? Nope? ok. There will be no "mommy....mommy....mommy" It will just be me. And Jeff. And some friends who can make the trip. A book. A beach. And probably a few daquiris. I so need this.

holy cow!

So, I have been stressing about weight. Obsessed with mine and everyone's around me. Then I see this picture.

Are you kidding me?

I look huge! I totally freaked out! Whoa Nelly...seriously going to stop eating all together!

Wait...oh...hey..huh. How many coats do I actually have on? Oh yeah....t-shirt, long sleeved shirt, sweatshirt, puffy down coat, then rain coat.

Phew! ok. Guess it's not quite time to panic yet. Tho I have to admit that I probably won't have many more pictures taken in this many clothes!

about yesterday

So after i got done writing yesterday I totally stressed about what I wrote. What if anyone that read it thought that it was about them? That I am not happy for them? That I think they won't succeed? NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF THAT!

It was really all about my nasty green-eyed monster living inside. I worry so much about what others will think once I have said or done something. That too is another trait that I don't like about myself. Why do I worry so much about what others think? Why can't I just say that others succeeding makes me jealous? not that I am not happy for them. I just have this ugly thing inside that wants what they have. If anyone won the lottery I would be happy, and insanely jealous too.

I was writing about me and worrying about what anyone else might think. Just the ramblings of a nearly-40-year-old.

So.........

jealousy

Do you ever have those days where you are so insanely jealous of something that you get mean about it? I have NUMEROUS friends who have been losing weight and inches lately. I am so jealous that the thoughts in my head are mean. I weigh more know than when ever, except for being pregnant. Pants that used to fit, don't. Ugh.

The biggest problem? I know what to do about it. I know that I need to take/find the time. I use our insane schedule as an excuse for not having enough time. THat and I am one of those that doesn't like to work out or exercise after I have showered and dressed in the morning. Soccer twice a week doesn't really seem to cut it. Better than nothing, but not enough.

I went to PT the other day. having some serious trouble with my back. Always have. Ever since I broke my leg anyways. The x-ray shows that I have a compressed disc. It needs to be stretched out. Hence the PT. Well, the therapist basically said that my core muscles suck. Not really his words, but what I heard. He has me doing these super-kegel exercises. Maybe since I ahve to be accountable every week it will make a difference.

Maybe with the strength of my core muscles no one will ask me when I am due. Once can only hope!

i am turning 40 in 20-some-odd days. I have serious trouble with the decades. The day after I am fine, but I find myself in a funk the month or two before. This year I thought I would try something different. We are headed to Ca and the beach with whomever would like to join us. A day of sun, drinks, friends and maybe a little jet skiing.

but the other day my aunt sent me an email. She had gone through some of my grandmas clothes and found a journal that grandma had written. She told me that she had written about how much fun she had taking me to lunch on my 21st bday. I cried. I cried even harder when I realized that I didn't remember going to lunch. Then I tried to remind myself that that was nearly 20 years ago. Then i remembered that that was nearly 20 years ago and i nearly had a heart attack.

I don't feel 40. Forty seems old. That means I am old. But I still get carded in places. People are suprised that I have a 12 year old. Good genes I guess. Good genes that i am truly grateful for.

but still...I am turning 40 and beach or not, I still panic at the thought

As the boys get older and our schedules get crazier finding family time is hard. I used to wonder about those people that didn't sit around the table every night eating together. Really? Why not?

Now I know. Life happens. While one child walks in the door from track practice the next one walks out for a baseball game. While the littlest one has a t-ball game. Somehow I am the taxi that gets them to all of these events. Which is ok, except for the fact that I usually end up dropping one off and picking one up, and somehow I miss dinner all together. Not that I couldn't afford to miss a meal or two, but still.

So tonight? Konley had baseball practice. Normally one would take and stay and the other would hang out at home with the other two. Not tonight. Tonight "family time" was on the ball field. We hung out and played. Jeff played pass with Keegan, Jack rode his scooter and I sat and watched. Smiling. At my family. The one that doesn't seem to have time to breathe lately.

Then we came home. Yes it was 7:45. Yes, we had not yet eaten. Yes, we sat down together. And it wasn't McDonald's. I made chicken earlier in the day. Add some potatoes and biscuits and we actually had family dinner. At the table together.

Don't worry too much. We actually eat together alot. It's just not your normal 6 pm around the table. Sometimes it's 8. Sometimes it 5. Sometimes it's only 3 or 4 of us, but I still believe that, no matter what my boys need us with them at the table. One or 2, 4 or 5, it still counts.

chell

new job

For the first time in over 12 years I went to work this morning. Not that it was really work. I am a teacher's aide at a preschool. I take kids to the potty, set up snack, help them paint, etc. But it is weird. My life has always been at home. Or at the boys' school. Or getting stuff done for my family. Picking my own friends. My own path. My own.....

This is going to be strange. Jack is not impressed. Tuesday's I am usually in his class helping. I moved it to Thursday so I will still help. But he says that that is not "his" day. He also wants to know why I have to work. Having a hard time answering that. I told him to see how it went this week and we would discuss everything at the end of the week and see how it went. I don't think he'll really miss me. It's only while he is at kindergarten.

We will see. We will both see. I'll let you know how it goes.

We went to the beach this last week. It was great to get away. sometimes I forget what downtime actually is. I got home and was trying to figure out when to go to the grocery store and i was stumped. Well, part of this comes from my refusal to enter a grocery on the weekends. Everyone and their grandmother is there on the weekend. i don't have to, therefore I don't. But finding the time when it's not the weekend and i don't have to take an unhappy 5 year old with me, is becoming few and far between.

So back to the beach. My husband LOVES the beach. He doesn't care about the weather (thank goodness, cuz it was buck a** cold!), he doesn't care if anyone is there, he just likes to be at the beach.

We went to Westport, next time we will go to Ocean Shores, more for the boys to do. When we checked into our motel room we had to laugh. Their website definitely leaves a bit to the imagination. They moved us to a room that had a queen and 2 rollaways. We already planned on someone sleeping on the floor but by the time the rollaways were opened we would have to leapfrog over them to get to the bathroom. The son on the floor? he was going to have to sleep on the kitchen table! We went back to the front desk and said, what else d'ya got? So we got a "cabin". Said cabin? A single wide trailer! It cracked us up. If the bathroom door got left open, as boys are want to do, and the closet with the bunkbeds in it was also open, you couldn't actually walk down the hallway. But it did have a futon. Which in the Roberts' house has now been renamed "fontoon". Keegan could just not remember futon. Yes, he is nearly 13, but sometimes you just get something stuck in your head and you can't change it. So now it is a fontoon. The bonus? Wired for speakers. Hooked to the radio. So in the back room with the queen (I say full) bed the speakers are wired into the ceiling and you can have music at night. Huh. Didn't see that one coming.

It was cold. It was windy. THere was a storm with 60 mph gusts overnight. The surf pounded. But we hung out together. Jeff found the biggest agate that I have ever seen. It fills half of the plam of his hand. His grandpa will be proud. We played putt-putt in Ocean Shores and found the best little hole-in-the-wall pizza place and the lady will put in a movie for the kids so we didn't have to go back out in the rain again. We drove on the beach. something that Jack has never done before. We checked out the beach horses. We hung out.

We didn't play soccer. We didn't play baseball. We had no schedule. We went to bed when we wanted and got up when we wanted. We need more of this. More of life without such an insane schedule. Don't really know when we will actually get that. When I need a touch of it I will drag out the scrapbook and ask Keegan if he would like a "fontoon" for the new downstairs!

chell

So I had a whole agenda today. As I tend to everyday. Jack had a half (of a half) day so he was out at 10:40. Just enough time for me to get the school newsletter copied and distributed as I do every Thursday. Mrs. Fung, their music teacher, had a projector that I could borrow. It was packed up and ready to go in my car.

Funny thing about cars...they bring out the pigtail-wearing, hate to get dirty, just want them to run, girly girl in me. I really just want to have the oil changed and put gas in it and have it go. No such luck today. I got Jack, and my projector, all buckled in and pulled out of my spot in the kindergarten parking lot and lo and behold....FLAT TIRE! Ugh! It's raining. I have on slacks and girly shoes. I know how to change a tire.....just don't.

Call my husband. Once. Twice. Page him. Three times. ARGH!!! Call my mom, "got any ideas?" So she found me some phone numbers for tire places. Les Schwab will come out for $50, but they can't come for over an hour. Argh, again. Call mom back....feel like picking us up for a little while? I truly have to thank God that there are days she doesn't work.

Meantime husband calls back. "Did you call?" Did I? Really? The 3 missed calls weren't enough? I am the girl. THe princess. The queen of the house. My taxi must run right at all times. Deep breath. Yes, please. I did call. I really really need your help. So I cancelled Les Schwab. Mom took us to Mickey D's where we watched Shrek 2 on their 4 screen tvs.

Jeff and Slade came and fixed my tire. They put on the spare and sent me over to Discount tires where they fixed it for free. Yippee! They found the obvious screw (where in the world did I run over that?) and another nail. Now since we are finishing up construction it is highly possible I picked this up in my own garage. Just don't want it happening again.

As for my car...it's running nicely again. Without the silly little "low tire pressure" light on. Next time I will check my manual for what that little light means BEFORE I head out to school and can't get home for hours!

my closet

Yesterday I truly figured out what a sentimental old fool I am (you can insert pack rat here if you would like). I am currently in the process of cleaning out our old room and moving into our new room. Yesterday i was buried "knee deep" in my closet. I have a deep closet. It's not a walk-in but it is double deep so Jeff set it up so that the shelves wrap-around the closet. Gives me lots of extra space. Apparently too much space.

First thing I found was a few empty shoe boxes. Empty shoe boxes? Really? I am not even sure that I still have those pairs of shoes. Kinda sad really.

Next I found a few photo albums. This is really unnecessary as I have my own scrapbook room downstairs. Now the shelves are full but still. Two of the albums are from our extra wedding pictures, and the other is from when Keegan was born, he's 12 1/2! Oy!

But I digress.

Under all of these boxes I found a large-ish square box with umbrella wrapping paper covering the top. IT was definitely not empty. As a matter of fact it was full! Completely full. With cards. Cards that people have given me. Christmas cards, birthday cards, wedding cards (mind you our wedding will be 15 years in Sept.), baby announcements, wedding announcements, thank you from wedding presents, letters that Chris used to send when she lived in Spain, and in IN, Valentine's Day cards from Jeff and others. Some of it was over 10 years old! Many of them were from family and friends that aren't even married anymore. I went through them. Read so many of them. Then I actually headed to the recycle. But not with quite everything.

I found a small box. I kept some things. A note from my little sister when she was 9 or 10 and she is now 22. A note from my best friend saying thank you for being my best friend. A note from each of my grandmas and my nanny-mom Sue, who have all since passed on. The bulletin from my grandma's funeral. The placecard from my seat at our rehearsal dinner. These things I couldn't get rid of....

Many of them made me smile at forgotten memories and friends that I haven't heard from in a while. But mostly I realized that it's not the paper that really matters. It's the person who sent the paper and took the time to write the note. So I am going to remember that and try to send a few more of my own. Besides the post office could use the income!

I was thinking about why I miss so many things lately. I can tell you that I am forgetful. I can tell you that we have 3 very busy boys. I can tell you that if my head weren't attached I would be lost. (Ok, that might be true.)

But the more I started thinking about it the more something dawned on me. A few years ago in my MOPS group we were discussing learning styles. Originally, it was about how our children learn. Then it moved on to how we learn. I am a visual learner through and through. If you want to know how something is spelled I picture the word floating around in my head. If I can't remember a name I work my way thru the alphabet in my head until one letter "pops" up bigger than the rest. I can usually figure it out from there.

So, back to why I feel like I am always forgetting things. I promise that when people talk to me I really do listen. I just don't always retain it. If I write it down I am usually ok. If I don't write it somewhere it is totally lost.

It makes me understand a little more about myself. It also makes me realize that the minute someone says can you do this on this day? I NEED to write it down on the calendar. Maybe I can stop having so many "head spinning around in circles" moments.

Wouldn't that be nice?

I followed a friends blog to a beautiful baby girl named Layla Grace. She was sick. I am sorry to say that she was sick. Today she is a little angel. I know that God never gives us more than we can handle, but I don't know how I would handle that. I am helping Keegan with his homework, and listening to Jack flying monster trucks (yes, most kids do that with planes, but he has a cars fascination) and holding back tears.

As I followed the link to Layla's site I saw a twitter comment that she had gone to play with the angels just this morning. I can only say that I know deep down in my heart and farther down in my soul that I know that she is now healthy. She is running and playing with angels, and sitting in the lap of Jesus. That doesn't mean that her mom & dad & sisters aren't feeling broken. How could you not?

I am thankful everyday for my boys. I am not always good at showing it. I don't always sit down on the floor with them and play cars. I don't write them notes, or send them texts (unless they text me first). I love my boys. I am glad that God has kept them healthy. I know that He has plans for them that I do not yet know. I can only wait and watch. And pray.

Sometimes having my boys so far apart in age makes mornings a catastrophe. It is hard to find things that cover the age span from 12 to 5. The 5 year old is not necessarily cool in the 12 year olds eyes, unless said 12 yo wants something or is bored.

We planned them. Some people wonder because Jack was born when Keegan was nearly 7 and Konley had just turned 5. I always wanted 3 kids, Jeff just took a little longer to come around. When he did come around I really had to think about whether I wanted to "start over". The other 2 were pretty independent: could do their car seat buckles, put on shoes, help around the house, yada yada. But my desire won out. And now we have Jack. Whose name is really John,, but like his great-grandpa we call him Jack.

It is hard trying to walk the thin line between giving Keegan some independence and making sure that he includes his brother. There are times when he is allowed to play without Jack, but there are time when he is not. This morning they got in a big to-do playing the new Mario. I do understand that playing the new"remade" Mario game is hard with 3 people. It's even harder with a 5 year old. But that's what compromise is about. So I took away the compromise and said, "Turn it off". You can't argue about your guy getting run into by a mushroom if its off right?

So we turned it off and we are headed out to buy baseball cleats and tennis shoes....when will anyone make a pair of boys shoes that actually last and don't cost an arm & a leg? But that's an thought for another day.

So I have been online and in the stores trying to figure out just how to decorate these 2 new rooms of ours. They have been painted. The trim has just been dropped off and I need something. I covered the boys' couch in a chocolate brown couch cover.

Not enough.

We added lights and a decorative rug.

not enough.

So........I went online. I have been looking at vinyl, removable decals. I found so many websites. So many ideas. So many that just didn't fit me. But I kept going back to the squares. yep, squares. That's all they are. They are all different sizes and you just kinda put them up, together, apart, whatever works. But they only come in one color per page/cost.

not enough.

So I put a couple of different colors in my "shopping cart" and kept looking. I think that I had 5 different shopping carts going on at once. But since I kept going back to the squares i figured that I could do it myself. Couldn't I? If I hate it I can always paint over it!

So I got out the level and started drawing them on the wall. Then I needed new sizes. I went searching around the house. I used the boys' gameboy game boxes, their ds holders, a sample of the new shelf going in downstairs. Whatever I could find that was a square, I used it.

I LOVE IT!

But it is only one color. This definitely was an excuse to head to Fred Meyer. (Like I need an excuse to shop, but I digress.) I found college green. A bit like seafoam, but not so girly.

I CANT WAIT!

I already have ideas for making matching pillows and some other covers just to bring out the green in all the brown. Maybe, just maybe, I am getting a handle on this decorating thing. Well, at least in one room. The others will have to wait their turn.

So I know that I said that I need to learn to say, "no" but how exactly do you go about that?

Please...tell me.

I would really like to take a year off from PTA. What do I do when no one else will step up and do the job? How do I say, " Sorry I don't want to? Sorry if that means our school PTA falls apart?" Not that everything is dependent upon me. But we are losing numbers quickly and one more just gets us that much closer to no one. I am not making myself out to be all-important.... believe me.

At what point do I get to say, "hey! somebody else step up"? And what if they don't? This is my children's school. Well, next year it will only be Jack's school.

I was talking it over with a friend today, who is in the same position as I. We have both been on the board for 5 years. Isn't it time for some new blood?

Let me know how to get that new blood, so I can say, "Thanks. I had my turn."

When I was growing up my mom was young. I am turning 40 soon and my oldest is only 12 1/2. I was 20 and a junior in college when my mom turned 40. Maybe that's why I don't remember all of these different choices. Maybe our lives were different.

I was talking to teachers at our school this morning. One of these teachers Jeff grew up with, so I have known him for a long time. New him before he was married, before college, before he was uber-responsible. He teaches in the public school, but his wife is looking at private schools. I am worried about where to place my kindergartener next year. I want the best education for him that I can squeeze out of our school. It's a worry.

My above-mentioned 12 year old is in select soccer. I don't know about whether to keep him there next year or not. Is it the best place? Are we getting the most out of our money? Is it the best thing for our money? It's a worry.

My middle? He is so easy. He makes life simple. He will be in middle school next year. Don't get to pick his teachers. Just gotta go with the flow. He had baseball tryouts this past weekend and we should find out soon what team he will be on and who his coach will be. Then the season starts and we add something else to our schedule. Will he have a good coach? Will he get to play catcher? It's going to be a worry.

I don't remember my mom worrying. Maybe she did and I just didn't see it. Maybe our life was slower or different and she just had different things to worry about. All I can hope is that my kids don't see the worry. That they don't see the behind-the-scenes worries. That they don't see the "you go with him, I will take him and maybe grandma can take #3"'s.

Guess it's just in my nature. Guess I will have to worry about it another day, cuz right now i have to go help #3, and will worry about what he needs right now.

So I need to learn to say, "no". I am learning but it is taking a really long time. I hate (with a capital H) to disappoint people. I hate to feel like I have done anything wrong. Saying "no" feels wrong. I did stand up for myself last night. It nearly made me throw up, but I did it. I said that there was something that I just couldn't do. i needed to say no so that I could stop feeling so bad, stop hurting so much.

You know what happened? My head didn't spin around. The earth didn't stop spinning. My house didn't implode. And above all? My husband said, "ok". That's it. He said that if it was too hard for me and hurts me it would be all right. Wow! All right? Huh. Maybe I should try this more often.

I need to say no to the PTA board too. I have been on the board for about 6 years. I need a break. With 3 boys and the busy lives that they lead something has to give. It doesn't mean I have nothing of my own. It just means that this is one thing that I need to trake a break from.

Sometimes saying, "no" is a good thing. I am trying to learn that!

The boys are off today. So many times as they get older and they have a day off I panic. "what are we gonna do?". It's not like the weather around here is any good. With all the construction debris it's not like I can send them outside in the backyard, it's really difficult to play soccer around the broken down EZ-up that has collapsed during construction, due to the rain.

Something changed today. We had a good day. See, I have always been a girly-girl. I think that's why God gave me boys. He wanted to see what I could do. Or maybe there are 3 girls out there that will really need a family to love them, and they are waiting for the day that my boys will meet them. Or maybe God just wanted me to try something different, come out of my shell...something that I am not very good at.

We went for haircuts. HE has also given me a son that is my complete opposite. He is into sweats or baggie jeans (no, his underwear may NOT show), skater shoes and really messy, flip-to-the-side bangs. It drives me crazy! But I have to take a deep breath and realize that he is not me and I should not make him so. He is his own person, and he was meant to be that person. So we compromise. He didn't have to cut his hair shorter, but it did have to be thinned out. He looks like he's got helmet-head all the time, if not. He can have baggy jeans, but no underwear hanging out. He can wear short-sleeves in the winter, but he has to have a sweatshirt. Compromise. It's all about compromise.

I have been someones mom for 12 1/2 years now and i am still learning. We don't have the girl hormones of teen-agers, but boys have their very own set of emotions and hormones and I am just starting to figure them out. We played today like little kids. I took them to the trampoline place and let them jump and play trampoline for an hour. (Wish it could have been longer, but the place is really expensive!) We had lunch together at Subway. We had a good day.

Here's to many more good days, and alot less confusion about where we are going in life!

So we had friends over last night. Just a normal, "hey, wanna come over and play cards or something?". The have kids our older boys' ages. I know that it's wrong but I still expect that people will have their kids treat my kids the way mine treat them. I flew off the handle. I probably shouldn't have. I should probably apologize. I am still not ready to. The kids were playing nerf wars. In the dark. The only light on was the one in the dining room where the grown-ups were. My 5 year old is not thrilled with the dark. He wanted to play, but he wanted a flashlight. Not really that much to ask, I think. I gave him one. One of the other kids got totally pissy with him. Told him he couldn't play. Told him he could only play if he got rid of the flashlight. When he said no, that he was afraid of the dark, and all the big kids jumping out at him, the older kid told him, "well, you suck" and "I'm not playing if HE's playing". Which one is the 5 year old again? all the big kids wanted him to sit in the corner playing DS. I said no. He needs to be able to socialize and play like everyone else right? So i got angry. Said that it was his house too and that he could play. I covered his flashlight in tissue so that it wasn't bright but he wasnt' completely in the dark. Not good enough. He's playing, so I am not. Then I got mad at his parents. Why wouldn't they do anything? Why did they say 'just let him do what he wants?"

I should apologize. I should be sorry for getting angry. I shouldn't judge anyone else's parenting skills. I know that my boys aren't perfect. Obviously, sent one of mine got sent to his room last night, no matter who was over. In my house we don't allow attitude. You check your attitude at the front door. No one is "cool" in our house. There are just 3 boys, 3 brothers, all even. Is it too much to expect from others? Guess so. Guess I'll have to get over myself and apologize. But it probably won't happen for a day or two, when I get over my own "cool".

Phew! This grown-up thing is hard!

One more medicine NOT to take..

So, yesterday I went to the doctor. No big deal, just had a cold that has lingered. The cough seems to rattle my lungs. Just wanted to rule out pneumonia, which we did. I hate going to the doctor. By the time I go I am usually feeling really crummy, and yet they tell me I just have to suck it up for a few days and I will get better. "They" being all the other doctors that I have to see when mine is not in that day. My doctor actually listens. She even went over my x-ray with me yesterday and showed me how clean my heart and aorta are (yay me!). I have no calcium and no back ups. (Again...yay me!) But anyways....she gave me some cough medicine so that I can sleep without coughing. She gave me Robitussin with codeine. So I took it before I went to bed. I also used the new inhaler. I was up. Awake. until 1:30 when Jack came in and had to go potty (and got turned around cuz our new bathroom is really dark). When sleep did come? NIGHTMARES! ugh. Terrible horrible. Not the monsters under the bed kind that you know aren't real, the husband no longer talking to you kind. I woke up in tears. When Jeff kissed me before going to work this morning I panicked. "Are you still talking to me?" kind of panic. He calmed me down and made me realize it was all just a dream. A bad one. But just a dream. Won't be taking that medicine again. I can cough my way through the night. Guess I'll just have to suck it up and get over it again.

My girlfriend has me reading her blog every other day. I get wonderful glimpses into her world and her life and I love that. I can see what she is thinking and what she has been doing. I just want to try that. I want to see if I can expand my horizons and share what I am thinking and feeling. If nobody "listens" that's ok too. It still gives me a place to just be me. Me with my thoughts and feelings and that works. Hope it works for you too!