i am turning 40 in 20-some-odd days. I have serious trouble with the decades. The day after I am fine, but I find myself in a funk the month or two before. This year I thought I would try something different. We are headed to Ca and the beach with whomever would like to join us. A day of sun, drinks, friends and maybe a little jet skiing.

but the other day my aunt sent me an email. She had gone through some of my grandmas clothes and found a journal that grandma had written. She told me that she had written about how much fun she had taking me to lunch on my 21st bday. I cried. I cried even harder when I realized that I didn't remember going to lunch. Then I tried to remind myself that that was nearly 20 years ago. Then i remembered that that was nearly 20 years ago and i nearly had a heart attack.

I don't feel 40. Forty seems old. That means I am old. But I still get carded in places. People are suprised that I have a 12 year old. Good genes I guess. Good genes that i am truly grateful for.

but still...I am turning 40 and beach or not, I still panic at the thought