So I know that I said that I need to learn to say, "no" but how exactly do you go about that?

Please...tell me.

I would really like to take a year off from PTA. What do I do when no one else will step up and do the job? How do I say, " Sorry I don't want to? Sorry if that means our school PTA falls apart?" Not that everything is dependent upon me. But we are losing numbers quickly and one more just gets us that much closer to no one. I am not making myself out to be all-important.... believe me.

At what point do I get to say, "hey! somebody else step up"? And what if they don't? This is my children's school. Well, next year it will only be Jack's school.

I was talking it over with a friend today, who is in the same position as I. We have both been on the board for 5 years. Isn't it time for some new blood?

Let me know how to get that new blood, so I can say, "Thanks. I had my turn."

When I was growing up my mom was young. I am turning 40 soon and my oldest is only 12 1/2. I was 20 and a junior in college when my mom turned 40. Maybe that's why I don't remember all of these different choices. Maybe our lives were different.

I was talking to teachers at our school this morning. One of these teachers Jeff grew up with, so I have known him for a long time. New him before he was married, before college, before he was uber-responsible. He teaches in the public school, but his wife is looking at private schools. I am worried about where to place my kindergartener next year. I want the best education for him that I can squeeze out of our school. It's a worry.

My above-mentioned 12 year old is in select soccer. I don't know about whether to keep him there next year or not. Is it the best place? Are we getting the most out of our money? Is it the best thing for our money? It's a worry.

My middle? He is so easy. He makes life simple. He will be in middle school next year. Don't get to pick his teachers. Just gotta go with the flow. He had baseball tryouts this past weekend and we should find out soon what team he will be on and who his coach will be. Then the season starts and we add something else to our schedule. Will he have a good coach? Will he get to play catcher? It's going to be a worry.

I don't remember my mom worrying. Maybe she did and I just didn't see it. Maybe our life was slower or different and she just had different things to worry about. All I can hope is that my kids don't see the worry. That they don't see the behind-the-scenes worries. That they don't see the "you go with him, I will take him and maybe grandma can take #3"'s.

Guess it's just in my nature. Guess I will have to worry about it another day, cuz right now i have to go help #3, and will worry about what he needs right now.

So I need to learn to say, "no". I am learning but it is taking a really long time. I hate (with a capital H) to disappoint people. I hate to feel like I have done anything wrong. Saying "no" feels wrong. I did stand up for myself last night. It nearly made me throw up, but I did it. I said that there was something that I just couldn't do. i needed to say no so that I could stop feeling so bad, stop hurting so much.

You know what happened? My head didn't spin around. The earth didn't stop spinning. My house didn't implode. And above all? My husband said, "ok". That's it. He said that if it was too hard for me and hurts me it would be all right. Wow! All right? Huh. Maybe I should try this more often.

I need to say no to the PTA board too. I have been on the board for about 6 years. I need a break. With 3 boys and the busy lives that they lead something has to give. It doesn't mean I have nothing of my own. It just means that this is one thing that I need to trake a break from.

Sometimes saying, "no" is a good thing. I am trying to learn that!

The boys are off today. So many times as they get older and they have a day off I panic. "what are we gonna do?". It's not like the weather around here is any good. With all the construction debris it's not like I can send them outside in the backyard, it's really difficult to play soccer around the broken down EZ-up that has collapsed during construction, due to the rain.

Something changed today. We had a good day. See, I have always been a girly-girl. I think that's why God gave me boys. He wanted to see what I could do. Or maybe there are 3 girls out there that will really need a family to love them, and they are waiting for the day that my boys will meet them. Or maybe God just wanted me to try something different, come out of my shell...something that I am not very good at.

We went for haircuts. HE has also given me a son that is my complete opposite. He is into sweats or baggie jeans (no, his underwear may NOT show), skater shoes and really messy, flip-to-the-side bangs. It drives me crazy! But I have to take a deep breath and realize that he is not me and I should not make him so. He is his own person, and he was meant to be that person. So we compromise. He didn't have to cut his hair shorter, but it did have to be thinned out. He looks like he's got helmet-head all the time, if not. He can have baggy jeans, but no underwear hanging out. He can wear short-sleeves in the winter, but he has to have a sweatshirt. Compromise. It's all about compromise.

I have been someones mom for 12 1/2 years now and i am still learning. We don't have the girl hormones of teen-agers, but boys have their very own set of emotions and hormones and I am just starting to figure them out. We played today like little kids. I took them to the trampoline place and let them jump and play trampoline for an hour. (Wish it could have been longer, but the place is really expensive!) We had lunch together at Subway. We had a good day.

Here's to many more good days, and alot less confusion about where we are going in life!

So we had friends over last night. Just a normal, "hey, wanna come over and play cards or something?". The have kids our older boys' ages. I know that it's wrong but I still expect that people will have their kids treat my kids the way mine treat them. I flew off the handle. I probably shouldn't have. I should probably apologize. I am still not ready to. The kids were playing nerf wars. In the dark. The only light on was the one in the dining room where the grown-ups were. My 5 year old is not thrilled with the dark. He wanted to play, but he wanted a flashlight. Not really that much to ask, I think. I gave him one. One of the other kids got totally pissy with him. Told him he couldn't play. Told him he could only play if he got rid of the flashlight. When he said no, that he was afraid of the dark, and all the big kids jumping out at him, the older kid told him, "well, you suck" and "I'm not playing if HE's playing". Which one is the 5 year old again? all the big kids wanted him to sit in the corner playing DS. I said no. He needs to be able to socialize and play like everyone else right? So i got angry. Said that it was his house too and that he could play. I covered his flashlight in tissue so that it wasn't bright but he wasnt' completely in the dark. Not good enough. He's playing, so I am not. Then I got mad at his parents. Why wouldn't they do anything? Why did they say 'just let him do what he wants?"

I should apologize. I should be sorry for getting angry. I shouldn't judge anyone else's parenting skills. I know that my boys aren't perfect. Obviously, sent one of mine got sent to his room last night, no matter who was over. In my house we don't allow attitude. You check your attitude at the front door. No one is "cool" in our house. There are just 3 boys, 3 brothers, all even. Is it too much to expect from others? Guess so. Guess I'll have to get over myself and apologize. But it probably won't happen for a day or two, when I get over my own "cool".

Phew! This grown-up thing is hard!

One more medicine NOT to take..

So, yesterday I went to the doctor. No big deal, just had a cold that has lingered. The cough seems to rattle my lungs. Just wanted to rule out pneumonia, which we did. I hate going to the doctor. By the time I go I am usually feeling really crummy, and yet they tell me I just have to suck it up for a few days and I will get better. "They" being all the other doctors that I have to see when mine is not in that day. My doctor actually listens. She even went over my x-ray with me yesterday and showed me how clean my heart and aorta are (yay me!). I have no calcium and no back ups. (Again...yay me!) But anyways....she gave me some cough medicine so that I can sleep without coughing. She gave me Robitussin with codeine. So I took it before I went to bed. I also used the new inhaler. I was up. Awake. until 1:30 when Jack came in and had to go potty (and got turned around cuz our new bathroom is really dark). When sleep did come? NIGHTMARES! ugh. Terrible horrible. Not the monsters under the bed kind that you know aren't real, the husband no longer talking to you kind. I woke up in tears. When Jeff kissed me before going to work this morning I panicked. "Are you still talking to me?" kind of panic. He calmed me down and made me realize it was all just a dream. A bad one. But just a dream. Won't be taking that medicine again. I can cough my way through the night. Guess I'll just have to suck it up and get over it again.

My girlfriend has me reading her blog every other day. I get wonderful glimpses into her world and her life and I love that. I can see what she is thinking and what she has been doing. I just want to try that. I want to see if I can expand my horizons and share what I am thinking and feeling. If nobody "listens" that's ok too. It still gives me a place to just be me. Me with my thoughts and feelings and that works. Hope it works for you too!