holy cow!

So, I have been stressing about weight. Obsessed with mine and everyone's around me. Then I see this picture.

Are you kidding me?

I look huge! I totally freaked out! Whoa Nelly...seriously going to stop eating all together!

Wait...oh...hey..huh. How many coats do I actually have on? Oh yeah....t-shirt, long sleeved shirt, sweatshirt, puffy down coat, then rain coat.

Phew! ok. Guess it's not quite time to panic yet. Tho I have to admit that I probably won't have many more pictures taken in this many clothes!

about yesterday

So after i got done writing yesterday I totally stressed about what I wrote. What if anyone that read it thought that it was about them? That I am not happy for them? That I think they won't succeed? NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF THAT!

It was really all about my nasty green-eyed monster living inside. I worry so much about what others will think once I have said or done something. That too is another trait that I don't like about myself. Why do I worry so much about what others think? Why can't I just say that others succeeding makes me jealous? not that I am not happy for them. I just have this ugly thing inside that wants what they have. If anyone won the lottery I would be happy, and insanely jealous too.

I was writing about me and worrying about what anyone else might think. Just the ramblings of a nearly-40-year-old.

So.........

jealousy

Do you ever have those days where you are so insanely jealous of something that you get mean about it? I have NUMEROUS friends who have been losing weight and inches lately. I am so jealous that the thoughts in my head are mean. I weigh more know than when ever, except for being pregnant. Pants that used to fit, don't. Ugh.

The biggest problem? I know what to do about it. I know that I need to take/find the time. I use our insane schedule as an excuse for not having enough time. THat and I am one of those that doesn't like to work out or exercise after I have showered and dressed in the morning. Soccer twice a week doesn't really seem to cut it. Better than nothing, but not enough.

I went to PT the other day. having some serious trouble with my back. Always have. Ever since I broke my leg anyways. The x-ray shows that I have a compressed disc. It needs to be stretched out. Hence the PT. Well, the therapist basically said that my core muscles suck. Not really his words, but what I heard. He has me doing these super-kegel exercises. Maybe since I ahve to be accountable every week it will make a difference.

Maybe with the strength of my core muscles no one will ask me when I am due. Once can only hope!

i am turning 40 in 20-some-odd days. I have serious trouble with the decades. The day after I am fine, but I find myself in a funk the month or two before. This year I thought I would try something different. We are headed to Ca and the beach with whomever would like to join us. A day of sun, drinks, friends and maybe a little jet skiing.

but the other day my aunt sent me an email. She had gone through some of my grandmas clothes and found a journal that grandma had written. She told me that she had written about how much fun she had taking me to lunch on my 21st bday. I cried. I cried even harder when I realized that I didn't remember going to lunch. Then I tried to remind myself that that was nearly 20 years ago. Then i remembered that that was nearly 20 years ago and i nearly had a heart attack.

I don't feel 40. Forty seems old. That means I am old. But I still get carded in places. People are suprised that I have a 12 year old. Good genes I guess. Good genes that i am truly grateful for.

but still...I am turning 40 and beach or not, I still panic at the thought

As the boys get older and our schedules get crazier finding family time is hard. I used to wonder about those people that didn't sit around the table every night eating together. Really? Why not?

Now I know. Life happens. While one child walks in the door from track practice the next one walks out for a baseball game. While the littlest one has a t-ball game. Somehow I am the taxi that gets them to all of these events. Which is ok, except for the fact that I usually end up dropping one off and picking one up, and somehow I miss dinner all together. Not that I couldn't afford to miss a meal or two, but still.

So tonight? Konley had baseball practice. Normally one would take and stay and the other would hang out at home with the other two. Not tonight. Tonight "family time" was on the ball field. We hung out and played. Jeff played pass with Keegan, Jack rode his scooter and I sat and watched. Smiling. At my family. The one that doesn't seem to have time to breathe lately.

Then we came home. Yes it was 7:45. Yes, we had not yet eaten. Yes, we sat down together. And it wasn't McDonald's. I made chicken earlier in the day. Add some potatoes and biscuits and we actually had family dinner. At the table together.

Don't worry too much. We actually eat together alot. It's just not your normal 6 pm around the table. Sometimes it's 8. Sometimes it 5. Sometimes it's only 3 or 4 of us, but I still believe that, no matter what my boys need us with them at the table. One or 2, 4 or 5, it still counts.

chell

new job

For the first time in over 12 years I went to work this morning. Not that it was really work. I am a teacher's aide at a preschool. I take kids to the potty, set up snack, help them paint, etc. But it is weird. My life has always been at home. Or at the boys' school. Or getting stuff done for my family. Picking my own friends. My own path. My own.....

This is going to be strange. Jack is not impressed. Tuesday's I am usually in his class helping. I moved it to Thursday so I will still help. But he says that that is not "his" day. He also wants to know why I have to work. Having a hard time answering that. I told him to see how it went this week and we would discuss everything at the end of the week and see how it went. I don't think he'll really miss me. It's only while he is at kindergarten.

We will see. We will both see. I'll let you know how it goes.

We went to the beach this last week. It was great to get away. sometimes I forget what downtime actually is. I got home and was trying to figure out when to go to the grocery store and i was stumped. Well, part of this comes from my refusal to enter a grocery on the weekends. Everyone and their grandmother is there on the weekend. i don't have to, therefore I don't. But finding the time when it's not the weekend and i don't have to take an unhappy 5 year old with me, is becoming few and far between.

So back to the beach. My husband LOVES the beach. He doesn't care about the weather (thank goodness, cuz it was buck a** cold!), he doesn't care if anyone is there, he just likes to be at the beach.

We went to Westport, next time we will go to Ocean Shores, more for the boys to do. When we checked into our motel room we had to laugh. Their website definitely leaves a bit to the imagination. They moved us to a room that had a queen and 2 rollaways. We already planned on someone sleeping on the floor but by the time the rollaways were opened we would have to leapfrog over them to get to the bathroom. The son on the floor? he was going to have to sleep on the kitchen table! We went back to the front desk and said, what else d'ya got? So we got a "cabin". Said cabin? A single wide trailer! It cracked us up. If the bathroom door got left open, as boys are want to do, and the closet with the bunkbeds in it was also open, you couldn't actually walk down the hallway. But it did have a futon. Which in the Roberts' house has now been renamed "fontoon". Keegan could just not remember futon. Yes, he is nearly 13, but sometimes you just get something stuck in your head and you can't change it. So now it is a fontoon. The bonus? Wired for speakers. Hooked to the radio. So in the back room with the queen (I say full) bed the speakers are wired into the ceiling and you can have music at night. Huh. Didn't see that one coming.

It was cold. It was windy. THere was a storm with 60 mph gusts overnight. The surf pounded. But we hung out together. Jeff found the biggest agate that I have ever seen. It fills half of the plam of his hand. His grandpa will be proud. We played putt-putt in Ocean Shores and found the best little hole-in-the-wall pizza place and the lady will put in a movie for the kids so we didn't have to go back out in the rain again. We drove on the beach. something that Jack has never done before. We checked out the beach horses. We hung out.

We didn't play soccer. We didn't play baseball. We had no schedule. We went to bed when we wanted and got up when we wanted. We need more of this. More of life without such an insane schedule. Don't really know when we will actually get that. When I need a touch of it I will drag out the scrapbook and ask Keegan if he would like a "fontoon" for the new downstairs!

chell