Guilt

I wish that there was a pill for guilt. I think in a past life (not that i believe in past lives) I must have been a Catholic. Saying , "no" to anyone nearly sends me round the bend. But it all is getting to be too much.

I said no to PTA next year. I know that it is a good organization, yada yada. I started out great guns. Then one thing lead to another. Board members started dropping like flies. I procrastinated cuz I just wasn't feeling it.

Then I sent out a letter to my current board saying I just didn't have it in me to fight for another year. Our PTA is seriously struggling. Which makes it so much harder. But no one really had anything to say. Only one person even acknowledged that I wrote a letter. At least an acknowledgement would have been ok.

So why do I feel guilty for giving up something that no one really cares whether I am there or not?

removing hats

So I have part of it figured out. How can I possibly be good at everything I do when I have way too much to do? I wear too many hats. Too many to possibly do any of them well. It's part of my desire to hide under the covers every morning and pretend that I don't have to start my day.

Last night I talked to Jeff and made the decision to not be the PTA president next year. I can't do it all. Maybe if I remove that hat I can find room for the other, more important hats. Especially the mom-hat. That hat is the one that is suffering the most. The me-hat is a bit non-existent. Ever since breaking my leg I don't go play soccer (obviously), but it was mine. I was running. I was hanging out with people that I genuinely enjoy being around. I am still not running. I am just walking, which definitely means no soccer. Which means that time gets filled in with other things. Not necessarily mom-things....just things.

Things like baseball. Baseball season starts and we are crazy. Konley has practice 5 days a week, Jack has it 3 times a week, Keegan has soccer twice with 2 games this weekend. I am also taking a class for my job every Monday this month and last night I ran a PTA meeting, that only 5 of us attended.

Too many hats. Too much on my plate. If I have less on my plate, can I do more of what is left? That is the question...guess I'll have to find out.

hmm

I find myself in a weird place right now. I have no motivation. To do anything. I don't know where my get-up-and-go went but I would like it back. I have things to do. Things that need to be done. I don't really care. Actually I do care, I just..............I don't know. I feel like everytime I get it done, I gotta do it over again. Breaking my leg hasn't been good for me. I hated doing nothing, but got used to it not being done. I look around and our house and I am so overwhelmed that I don't even know where to start.
Maybe I will just start with making dinner................

money

I just finished paying the bills. There are a few upsides to working. Not only am I making a little money to add to the household...I don't spend anywhere near the money that I use to. Of course, I don't actually have any time to go shopping.
I miss shopping. Mostly I miss hanging out with girlfriends while shopping. I didn't really need anything but girl time. Now I need to find another way to get that girl time. Hmmmm

Any ideas?

jobs...

I am finally earning a little respect for the 3 day weekend, again. I am usually home every day so it used to just mean that the boys had an extra day home with me. Now it means I have an extra day at home. To do nothing, or to do everything. Either one. I can choose. Which is way better than getting up and going to work that I am not so sure about.

I am expected to follow along the same lines as everyone around the school. This I get. What I don't get is HOW?!? At one point I have 130+ kids in the cafeteria. They are loud. They can be disrespectful and they can try my patience.

This is not what I want to be when I grow up.

I am trying out different solutions. But the solutions all have to fit within the confines of the structure that the staff has set up. Get that! Just don't get HOW!

So.........I am appreciating my 3 day weekend. I am appreciating my 3 boys. I am appreciating the fact that I do not have to constantly remind them to use their manners, not to smear ketchup across the table, to pick up what they have dropped, and not to use their friends as punching bags (physically and emotionally).

We have know these two girls since before Sarah (the youngest) was born. Haley & Keegan were just 2 years old, and now they are 13.

We love just hanging out. They are the kids that you can be totally goofy with and it's not embarrassing. They are just as goofy, if not maybe more.

Haley wanted to get the camera out and recreate a picture we have of her and Keegan from when they were about 6 or 7. I wish i could load that picture, but I don't even think it was digital at the time!

Well, we are off to shop...Konley needs clothes for his concert this week!

Chell

New Year....new ???

I am not one for New Year's resolutions. Unfortunately, I am one of those people that as soon as i think I can't have something I want it even more. So, I am going the other way. Not necessarily things that I can't have, but maybe things that I would like to be better at.

Exercise:
Yep, can't even touch this one. After being on crutches for over 7 weeks I am still the household "hop-a-long" and I just can't even begin to think of running around. I am just ecstatic at the thought of being able to walk up the stairs!

Blog:
Boy, have I been terrible. Sometimes I feel like there is something that I want to say, but not really sure how it would go over, so I don't say anything. Maybe I should also start a computer diary that is password protected so I can't still get it out. Hmmmm. But, I would like to try harder at adding to this blog.

Listening:
I am trying to figure out at what point in my life I went from being the one that listened to the one that won't stop talking. I hate this about myself. I can even hear myself inside my head yelling at my mouth to stop. I have even had a lady at work tell me that I talk too much! Gonna really try and work on this one, so if I have talked your ear off....give me the look, I will get it.

My boys:
Our boys have gotten to the age where they are so very independent. But I have been internally arguing with myself about that. Not about letting them be independent, but about remembering that as they get older they still need time with me/us. That just because they CAN be independent doesn't mean that they SHOULD be.

Myself:
I will remember that God made me first. He didn't make me a wife, mother, friend, or para first. He made me. So I have to remember that I need to take time for me. I downloaded a Bible app to my IPod & I am going to try to read the daily verse. Really? How hard is that? How hard is praying for friends and family? Not just when they need it, but when they think that they don't. I will take time out. To read, to pray, to be me, to be a friend, to be a girl (in a world of boys), to just be.

May all of your new year's ideas take flight,
Chell