School

I didn't get the secretary job. You know what? That's ok. I think it would be difficult to go from at home to all day at work. Just want to ease into this. That said. I am the new school crossing guard. It's just a step in the door. I really want to be able to work at school and this is the way to start.

I drop off Jack in the morning with a friend and high-tail it over to school. Then I walk down the block and wait. There is one adorable little kindergartener who chats with me every morning. If her mom ever wants to give her up I would take her in a heartbeat.

I love seeing the kids every morning. I love the days that Jacks walks down the street and hangs out with me telling me about his day. Then we ride home together. I love that I can still be home when Keegan & Konley walk in the door and get them all homework-situated before my afternoon duty. I love that Ms. Barron walked in the other day and said, "hey, can you stay and do recess duty?". I was at school, hanging out with the kids, and got paid. I have been volunteering for 8 years, and I am so ready to still be there, still helping, and getting paid for it!

It's all about baby-steps. There is rumors of someone leaving and that I could apply for her spot. Just biding my time. Taking them baby-steps. Waiting for it to be my turn.

this day

This day has completely snuck up on me. My baby? My littlest? My one who has never let go of my heart? He went off to 1st grade today. All day. The first day of the next 12+ years of school. I have had a"baby" at home for the last 13 years. Jack was born just weeks before Konley started kindergarten. I didn't have time to lament the boys being gone for the day, I had one more at home.

Now I don't. Now I have 3 in school all day. It conjures heart ache.

I know he will love it. I know I will find things to do with myself during the day. (Goodwill and trips to the dump rank high on the list.) I know I will get over it. But, boy oh boy!

He's not really gone cuz I volunteer at his school all of the time, but it's just not the same. I miss my little boy.

School starts

how strange this year is beginning.

It is raining and it is August.

You can already feel fall in the air, but it feels like summer never actually started.

I feel as if I spent the whole summer planning and throwing birthday parties. It is getting a bit much. Overwhelming really.

so school starts next week. I have 2 in middle school and now Jack is all day. I truly figured that I would have some kind of job to fill those 5 days a week, 6 hours a day. I don't. And the days are looming.

I know that i will volunteer. I know that i will find things to fill my days. But today? it feels overwhelming. That's alot of time to kill/fill. Thirteen years ago I quit my job and became a stay-at-home-mom. (Well it took another 20 days to actually be the mom, but you know what i mean.) A whole new phase is starting and I don't really know how I feel about it.

I know that i will figure it out. I know that I will fill my days. But today? Today I will just wonder and hope and pray that I will know what to do with my days come next Wednesday. I think I will start with getting Jack to his brand new classroom and then heading out for first day of school breakfast as has been the custom for 8 years. After that? who knows?

nervous

A long time ago Jeff told me he wanted me to get a job when Jack was in school full-time. AAACK! REally? Haven't had a job in 13 years. Now? I really want this one. It would be perfect. It's 6 hours a day. I could still volunteer in Jack's class at the end of the day. I could be home just after the boys get home. I wouldn't have to find daycare. I could still watch Megan in the morning so that Karen can work.

I turned in my application. I let our principal know that I was applying. I have recs from some great people in our school. Now I just have to wait. Jeff says not to get myhopes up. Rationally... I know that. But when does life react rationally?

Our school attendance secretary has decided to retire. A part of me REALLY wants her job. It would fit me perfectly! We could really use the extra money. It wouldn't affect any of Jack's time out of school.
Part of me?.....is scared to death!

Finishing the application tomorrow...will keep you posted!

today

Today I don't really feel like being me. I look around at the mess that is my house and wonder why the cleaning fairy didn't show up this week. (Maybe I just don't pay her enough.) I have yet another birthday party to throw this weekend. Don't get me wrong. I love my boys but I get rather tired of spending all summer planning, buying, organizing and cleaning for nearly 6 parties. Cuz each has a kid and each has a family party. This year we combined Keegan and Jack's family parties, but still.

Just don't feel like being me today. Maybe I will feel better about me tomorrow.

i know that school hasn't started yet, but apparently, pta doesn't really sleep. i have started asking questions like: why don't you want to be a part of pta? what about it turns you off? what do you like? yadda yadda. I am totally nervous about this!
I feel like I am floating in unchartered waters. There is a reason that I say no to these things. What if I screw up? What if I totally bomb and everyone thinks i have made a total mess out of the year? What if no one helps and i end up doing it all by myself? These are the questions of a partial control freak. look at the 5th grade moving up. Most of the prep work I did all by myself. People wouldn't step up. They just look the other way. What if I just don't know what I am doing?
New principal. New vice-principal. New part-time job for me. New president. New pta board. That's alot of "new". That's alot of unknown. I feel like there is this large black hole where the upcoming year is. How do I fill a black hole?
I have this small pit in the bottom of my stomach. I actually really wanted this after i thought about it. i wanted to prove that I could......but what if I can't?